Oh the innocence of youth...

I just learned something very useful.
Even if Christian has looked into your cup to verify that what you are eating is, in fact, ice cream, he will still believe you if you tell him that it's gross.
My hidden pint of Ben and Jerry's just got a whole lot safer.

A lot.

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out

I'm an easily stressed out person. I was eating dinner last sunday with my beloved Sr. W (forever onward referred to as Lindsay) and her parents and somehow we were talking about this and her mother, surprised, said, "really?" Lindsay, who was my constant companion for over 8 months, laughed and replied, "Two words: forced meditation."

I'm trying to work on it, I really am.
I tried not to stress during the 11-hour plane ride home.
I did stress for a moment or two before heading to the door that would lead me to my family.
But we all did.
My wonderful funny little group of France Paris missionaries halted at the door, white-knuckled hands gripping tired old suitcases. One of us suggested that we pray.
We laughed, exhaled, (praying silently, I know I did) and headed forward.
All thoughts of stress were literally knocked out of me when I collided with Jaime, and then with Kari, and then with my parents. My brothers were too cool to throw themselves at me. Also they all got huge (by Larsen standards, anyway) so I had to take a moment to stop and stare.
I was too excited to stress as I talked the ears off of everyone around me until 11 o'clock that night, when my stake president released me.

Which, by the way, is a terrible moment.
It's a testimony of the priesthood, to me, that all he had to do was say the words.
By the authority I have as your priesthood leader, I release you from your calling as a full time missionary.
I felt something leave me.
With it went a heavy burden. But also so much more. With it went protection, power, authority, assurance of who I was and what I was supposed to be doing.

And since that moment I've been trying to figure it out again.

The Lord, in his infinite mercy, has helped me out in every way possible.
But I think he thinks it's funny when I stress about silly things. So I still do.
My family has scripture study every morning at 6:30 (the only time of day when everyone is guaranteed to be home), so I wasn't allowed to become a bum, for which I will be eternally grateful.
There are temples all around me and I've been able to go often.
I got my old job as a research assistant back.
I've been painting again.
After a thousand prayers and too many nerve-wracking interviews, I got my dream job as a French teacher at the MTC.
I got a calling that I love, in a singles ward that I am...learning to love.
I basically have the life I hoped to have.
And that is strange.

Some things are exactly the same
Utah
My friendships
My family
Me

Some things couldn't be more different
Dating. That's for another post...
I watched one of my best friends holding her brand new baby the other day. He's perfect.
Other friends will soon be doing the same
Jaime is gone

Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out

One day at a time, one step at a time, one beautiful wonderful moment at a time, my life is moving forward.

Disciple of Christ

"I am of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, slow down, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I am done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on his presence, walk with patience, am uplifted by prayer and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, and paid up for the cause of Christ. I must go til He comes, give til I drop, preach til I know and work til He tells me to stop. And when He returns for his own, He will have no problem recognizing me. Behold, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God."

--Unknown

This is the quote Jaime used during her farewell talk, for those who wanted a copy of it. 

Change.

Oh the things I could say right now about change.
Everything has changed.
But I will refrain,
for the moment.
Because all the things I have been thinking have been building up in my head, just waiting for this outlet. And I'm afraid of them all flooding out at once.
So I will begin
with the
very
smallest 
one.

This morning the world was grey and rainy. I love days like that. I feel like it makes the world cozy. For me, rain and windows go together. I think of being on the safe side of a window, watching the rain run down. And it is one of my most favorite feelings in the world.
This morning, wakening to this wonderful safeness made me want to do something a little crazy.
Something I have never, ever done.
So I wore bright red lipstick today.
And it kind of rocked my world.


Hooray for baby steps, right?