Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
I'm an easily stressed out person. I was eating dinner last sunday with my beloved Sr. W (forever onward referred to as Lindsay) and her parents and somehow we were talking about this and her mother, surprised, said, "really?" Lindsay, who was my constant companion for over 8 months, laughed and replied, "Two words: forced meditation."
I'm trying to work on it, I really am.
I tried not to stress during the 11-hour plane ride home.
I did stress for a moment or two before heading to the door that would lead me to my family.
But we all did.
My wonderful funny little group of France Paris missionaries halted at the door, white-knuckled hands gripping tired old suitcases. One of us suggested that we pray.
We laughed, exhaled, (praying silently, I know I did) and headed forward.
All thoughts of stress were literally knocked out of me when I collided with Jaime, and then with Kari, and then with my parents. My brothers were too cool to throw themselves at me. Also they all got huge (by Larsen standards, anyway) so I had to take a moment to stop and stare.
I was too excited to stress as I talked the ears off of everyone around me until 11 o'clock that night, when my stake president released me.
Which, by the way, is a terrible moment.
It's a testimony of the priesthood, to me, that all he had to do was say the words.
By the authority I have as your priesthood leader, I release you from your calling as a full time missionary.
I felt something leave me.
With it went a heavy burden. But also so much more. With it went protection, power, authority, assurance of who I was and what I was supposed to be doing.
And since that moment I've been trying to figure it out again.
The Lord, in his infinite mercy, has helped me out in every way possible.
But I think he thinks it's funny when I stress about silly things. So I still do.
My family has scripture study every morning at 6:30 (the only time of day when everyone is guaranteed to be home), so I wasn't allowed to become a bum, for which I will be eternally grateful.
There are temples all around me and I've been able to go often.
I got my old job as a research assistant back.
I've been painting again.
After a thousand prayers and too many nerve-wracking interviews, I got my dream job as a French teacher at the MTC.
I got a calling that I love, in a singles ward that I am...learning to love.
I basically have the life I hoped to have.
And that is strange.
Some things are exactly the same
Utah
My friendships
My family
Me
Some things couldn't be more different
Dating. That's for another post...
I watched one of my best friends holding her brand new baby the other day. He's perfect.
Other friends will soon be doing the same
Jaime is gone
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
One day at a time, one step at a time, one beautiful wonderful moment at a time, my life is moving forward.
2 comments:
Chels! I feel like a failure as a friend. If this helps at all, I'm done with Spring semester in like 2 and a half weeks. And I think you're awesome, the awesomest in fact, and I'm very jealous that you already got to meet the baby. I love you!!!
I lived with my sister when she got home from her mission and she felt that way--I think that's how everybody feels. In fact, she got home in June and school didn't start 'til September and she had to leave and go back up to Utah and live with my other sister for a while because she was having such a hard time. I was checking my email the Sunday after she got home and she said "Do you really think that's an appropriate use of time on the Sabbath?" She was sad and devastated and unsure of the future too. I hope clarity and peace come with time. You might not feel the Spirit in the same way you did as a missionary, but you are a good person making good choices and you'll be okay. I know you know that. Just a little pep talk from one second-cousin to another.
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