I be deeply thinkin'

"That man who does not believe that each day contains an earlier, more sacred, and auroral hour than he has yet profaned, has despaired of life, and is pursuing a descending and darkening way...To him whose elastic and vigorous thought keeps pace with the sun, the day is a perpetual morning...We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep. I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor." ~Henry David Thoreau

This morning, for mostly unknown reasons, I awoke with an unusual excitement about the day. "Today is going to be a beautiful day" I told myself, as my breath fogged the air in my frigid apartment. Time seemed to be on my side as I got ready, eating my cheerios with cheerful slowness, savoring each bite and wondering, as I chewed, what was going to make this day so wonderful? My hair didn't want to cooperate, but for once I was at peace with it. No matter, I thought, I shall wear a colorful scarf to detract attention from my selfish hair. I started forth from my apartment, thoroughly bundled up, feeling very college student-y with my plastic spoon and yogurt revealing (I thought)that not only am I health conscious, but I can multitask. I walked down my street, the ice crunching beneath my boots, the cold wind nipping at my nose, realizing suddenly how very blue the sky is, how majestically tall those old trees at the high school are. Yes. The very air was excited with the prospect of the day.
Entering my home away from home, the good old JKB, the feeling wasn't quite as magical. The halls are still white, the lighting still very industrial, the students still avoiding eye contact and looking tired. I punched in the door code, the metallic lock sounding harsh yet familiar. I flipped on the lights, put on the oh-so attractive blue vest, and sat down, surveying my domain. Reality was descending upon me heavily.
And then I read the quote above, by Thoreau, for one of my classes. Ah hah. Maybe what's so wonderful about today isn't that exciting and unusual things are going to happen to me. Maybe what's so great about today is that it's a new day, with no mistakes in it yet. So yesterday I was a slacker. Doesn't mean that's who I am today. an infinite expectation of the dawn...I love that phrase. There are endless possibilities as to what I could do with today.

I always wondered about that saying "live each day as if it were your last", because if today were my last day on earth I would be blowing my savings in Hawaii. I would inform all the guys I've had crushes on of my love, I would put blue streaks in my hair, I would ride a motorcycle as fast as possible along some beach highway. I would spend my entire day with my family. Obviously I can't do that everyday. But I guess I can live so if I did die today, I could look back knowing that I have no regrets. I could treat people in a way today that they will remember after I die. I could thank my roommates for being so great, I could thank my friends for being the wonderful people that they are, I could thank my family for loving me with all my flaws, for being the best family a person could ask for, for loving the gospel and living their testimonies...I couldn't say thank you enough. I could treat strangers with kindness instead of indifference.

I've always had trouble reaching out to strangers, my fear holds me back. However, my dad has always told me "faith to conquer fear" and this year one of my resolutions was to never let fear be the deciding factor in any of my decisions. And I was humbled last Sunday by a 12 year old boy in a sacrament meeting who said "if we're so selfish that we don't share the gospel, maybe we just don't get it". Couldn't it be argued that acting Christlike is sharing the gospel? Therefore not acting Christlike, when you know how, is being selfish. Am I really that selfish?

So for any of you who read this, consider yourself thanked. If you made it this far in the post, thank you for your patience :) That was a long and winding train of thought. So, for the grand finale, thank you. To my friends, you know who you are and I love and admire you all so much. You have big dreams and you push on in the face of snow and sadness and midterms and thank you for finding time for me and for always lifting me up. To my family, I don't have words for you and I'm glad to be stuck with you for time and all eternity so I can spend it showing my thanks :) And to everyone else who may happen upon this, I admire you. No matter who you are and what you may have done with your life, you have made it this far. And if you're reading this blog, not only do you have a computer but you have free time. So life is good :)

"To be awake is to be alive...to affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour...Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature" ~Thoreau