Two Minds

I wish I could stay focused.

I sit in class on Tuesdays and Thursdays for three hours straight, and I love it.
We talk about social change, how it comes about, how to understand it.
We talk about the self and society, how people understand identity and originality and creativity.
We talk about big ideas and big words and we get serious and we get excited and we have fun.
I get pulled into the conversations. I feel myself asking questions and answering them.
I just feel this big, intellectual world opening up to me, I imagine myself joining the conversation running between all the books and great minds since the beginning of time.
I see myself making a difference.
I sit in these classes and feel that there is so much work to do. That even as a 20-year-old senior, I'm so behind. I wander the halls of the JFSB, talking to professors, and think, I want a PhD. I want an office. I want to teach classes and have these discussions and mold young minds.
I want to do research, I want to stretch and change.

Then I leave the classroom.

I walk around campus, I eat lunch, I sit at the computer and start browsing blogs.
I start thinking of springtime and shorts and night games and road trips and camping trips with friends.
I want to run through fields of flowers and giggle and feel the sun seeping into every little crack of my soul. I want to walk on a beach and squish the sand between my toes.
I don't want to study.
I don't want to be in an office.
I want to be outside, I want to live and love with my whole being.
So there isn't a particle of me that isn't vibrantly alive.

And when I start feeling this way, it's very, very difficult to return to the paper I was so ready to write.

Sigh.